Laney29's Journal

11:18pm: He sat clutching his head in the most agitative manner. Eyes bright with the fire of proving his point. The man beside him hesitates, and quietly asks for the picture of the octagon. His hand moves across the page with the steady rhythm of a drizzling rain. The man beside him hastily snatches back the scrap of paper and furiously begins to think. He attempts to discredit the calm smiling man beside him. The two banter, back and forth, much like the marriage of good coffee and spoiled cream. The girl in front of them enjoys the display of argument for the sake of exercising the brain. And she wonders if the man in front of her knows this and is continuing his irritsted responses just so he can prove an even bigger point...don't ever assume that the guy with the soothing voice and steady hand always has the right answers.

9:54pm: Life standing still. Waiting for nothing but time to pass. Feeling like a spiral, caught below the tide. Wanting to breathe faster and take in the air like an intoxicant, filling my lungs with cold, smokey fear. Seeing the net below me, and the figure of a man, standing directly underneath.

"Too late, to save myself from falling"-Elton John

8:14pm: I am bothered by something. I can't put my finger on it, it only came to bug me a few hours ago. It is a feeling of unease, as if something is going to happen, something momentous, something...strange. I felt it today at my sister's school, watching a colorful rendition of "South Pacific". I was overwhelmed with the need to be alone so I could think. I left early even though I was guilty for doing so, but I had to leave the moment. Now that I'm home the only thing I feel like doing is curling up in my bed with all my fuzzy pillows. It's only 8:30 in the evening. Hmm.

1:06am: He slowly puts his finger to his ear as I look across the table. His gesture tells me to listen. I hear two conversations bouncing around the four people in the room, each one resonating and layering in that curious way that you only notice when you stop spilling sounds out of your own mouth. The conversation to my right and left is noisy...two boisterous characters making devilish insinuations in the name of adoring friendship. The conversation in front of me is wordless, but just as strange...it's a heavy silence punctuated by momentary screams coming from the girl sitting in my chair, the one wearing my sweater, smoking my cigarettes and drinking my Dr. Pepper. I see myself through masking taped glasses and soft brown eyes. I see a shadow.

2:27pm: Things I like
I don't want to be a copycat Bekka but I liked this idea:)

Moonlight at 3am
quiet solitude
Tolkien
coffee
spinach pie
KB
waterfalls
Harry Connick Jr.
roses
jasmine
gold october
listening to Bill
candles
Being silly with my little sisters
coming home after a long day
An American Prayer
classical music at bedtime
hot showers
lessons learned
good wine
cooking with Bill
Mando
unspoken understandings
kitty cats
iced mocha with irish cream
finding my groove
celtic music
crimson and gold
the basement
cigarettes
opium incense
days off
laughing with my stepmom
talking with my dad
picking on my brother
holding hands with Cassandra
hugs

1:53pm: I see a thousand waves crashing above you. Everything I see is pure and gentle, lapping at my shores with a soft breeze that tickles the back of my neck and makes me want to close my eyes and take it all in without the benefit of sight. I want to jump in. I want to surround myself with the sound of your ancient ocean. You are timeless and beautiful. You carry secrets deep at the bottom that float to the top at times. I want them to keep me above water. You could carry me to the other side of your spirit with your soothing voice and calm flowing water. You could cleanse me, you could fill my cup to the top, and you don't even know it. Your quiet indignation is not a secret to me. Why must you choose to believe it doesn't exist. I find myself in the eye of your hurricane more often than you know or would ever admit.

7:51pm: Sitting in the basement listening to Dave Matthews and feeling like this is the place I need to be right now. I am happy. I feel secure and safe with these people and I relish in the fact that I am finally home. Even though there are days when I feel heartbroken. Like this will go on forever. It never changes, the lump i feel in my throat when his face shows dissapointment when she doesn't call. I want to tell him I love him but I cant. And it makes me feel sorrow like I have never felt in my life before. I don't understand why. I don't want this.

1:47am: Once again I'm the only one left awake in the house. Everyone retired early and I'm the one that should be in bed since I have the honor of being scheduled 14 hours tomorrow. Blah. But I stayed up...a certain boy I know got quite drunk which isn't something that happens very often, and I drove him home from our friend's house. I was entertained. He's mouthy in that honest, funny way when he's had two glasses of wine and two white russians (his drink of choice). He's really quite girly sometimes and it makes me smile. This afternoon he was all a flutter because he couldn't find his purse, which is what he refers to it as. It's just an old over the shoulder type bag that he carries all of his essentials in. God I adore this boy.

8:13pm: i realized today how lucky I am. I am surrounded by beautiful people whom I can connect with. The only thing missing is the one person who knows everything about me. I feel a certain amount of guilt for not taking that permanent trip I was supposed to take. I wanted to more than anything in the world...I was ready to leave my family, at that time my newfound friends that I now live with...my job and the financial security that comes with staying in one place for a long time...I was ready to leave it all. And then I noticed the doubts I was feeling. I couldn't understand them at the time and wanted to ignore them but I couldn't. I've become a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, and I feel even the bad things are there to show something. But I still feel guilty. I feel like I let a friend down, and that is the worst feeling in the world...but maybe there was a reason I didn't go. So Bekka I'm sorry if I disapointed you, and hopefully I'll figure it out eventually.

2:12am: True love exists somewhere between myself and the rest of the world. I fear it and at the same time wonder why. I am unable to think clearly, I suffer from a soulwound, one that will take a lifetime to recover from if I continue to fear. I would almost rather be completely cast aside and rejected than have this fear. I am openly and admittedly confused and brokenhearted. I tell myself...I don't want to ruin a friendship, but then I wonder...what exactly would be the ruin? Is sex what ruins? Sometimes yes, but then I think of all the emotions I feel...care, hope, concern, trust, patience, humbleness, gentleness, humility, adoration, and respect. Aren't all of those emotions present in true friendship? One would hope so. I put on my rose colored glasses and feel that physical contact is but a final culmination, the icing on the proverbial cake. It allows one to show with their physical self what they feel with their spiritual self. It takes those emotions to a higher level and breaks down the last barrier. So the question remains...how is true love different from true friendship? Sometimes I wonder why I ever saw his face, heard his voice, listened to him, hurt for him, cried for him, cared for him, felt sorrow when he was wronged, hoped for his peace of mind, laughed at his jokes, smiled at him, stared at him, long for what he offers, let him flatter me in the way that he does, and last but not least, why did I ever let myself feel more than he will ever feel for me? I feel as though I have found myself in his sweet soul and I can't get out, and it's my own damn fault. All I want is a simple hug...just a hug to show me he finds my friendship valuble to his life. But he never touches me...not even a simple hug, and it leads me to believe I must remain silent forever...and that is nothing new.

10:48am: I am to dream for a thousand minutes of the sweet fresh waterfall,
and the soft blanket of cloves we will lie upon.
I am to dream even longer of fresh fruit,
hanging from some tree, so heavy in our thoughts.
I am to dream forever of such perfection
for it may never be.

7:46pm: Ok Bekka this is for you:) Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this but you know how things can be...

It's going to take me quite awhile to feel comfortable with this. I'm not sure if I like the idea of lots of people reading my journal. I guess I will start this off simple. For today I'm just going to list all of the emotions I have experienced in this single day. Maybe later I will explain why I felt these things.

Laziness, irritation, love, anticipation, excitement, exhaustion, concern,